Grief - what is it and how can you work through it?

When we hear the word grief or hear that someone is grieving, an assumption is often made that they are grieving the loss of a loved one.  Of course, this may well be the case but there are many other losses in life that we also grieve.

It would be helpful at this point to talk about the difference between grief and bereavement.  Grief refers to the emotional and often physical response to any type of loss, whereas bereavement refers to the grief we experience when we lose a loved one.

Grief is a natural human process and response to loss.  Every single human will experience loss at some time in their lives and yet it is a topic that is not spoken about freely enough.  Grief can bring about feelings of vulnerability, shame, guilt and fear of upsetting others or a feeling that others won’t understand.  However, when we share our grief in a place with people who we trust and feel safe with, it can really help to minimise those feelings. 

Things that we can grieve

·         Loss of a loved one

·         Loss of a pet

·         Loss of a relationship through a break up/divorce

·         Major life transitions

·         Not reaching a goal or fulfilling a dream

·         Having a medical diagnosis

·         Not having the life, we envisaged that we would have

·         Losing a job or switching careers

·         Loss of a friendship

·         Moving to a new area

·         The loss of the person we were before a traumatic event changed us

·         A transition of faith

·         World events such as war or natural disasters that evoke a collective grief

There are many more events in our lives that can cause grief.  The above list is just a snapshot of examples of things that we can grieve and many of these are termed disenfranchised grief because they are events that are often not acknowledged or validated by society.

What are the effects of grief? Some examples…

·         Loneliness

·         Fear

·         Anxiety

·         Sadness

·         Physical pain

·         Depression

·         Anger

·         A loss of sense of self

·         Hopelessness

·         Overwhelm

·         Shame

·         Guilt

·         Vulnerablity

What does the grieving process look like?

“A central process in grieving is the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss.”  (Neimeyer, 2019)

Grieving can give rise to powerful processes of change.  It’s important to recognise and follow your own process in your own time, however, being aware of some of the ways in which grief can cause us to behave can help to alleviate some of the distress when we do experience grief.

When we grieve alone, without the help and support of people around us or without professional help, it can sometimes cause us to want to rid ourselves of the part of us that is causing the pain.  This is called a defence mechanism and it is our brain’s way of keeping us safe and protecting us from harm.  For example, suppression is when we shut off our ability to think, feel and process our feelings around an event that has caused us grief. 

Another defence often used is projective identification, whereby in an attempt to alleviate and remove the pain, we try and push it onto someone else by hitting out at them in order to evoke a similar feeling within them.

Grief is not a linear process.  You may have heard of the 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Although these stages are typical to many peoples grieving process, they are by no means sequential and predictable in their format. We can often navigate through some stages more than once, especially when we haven’t truly fulfilled and worked through one particular stage. 

When grief is worked through with support either from friends and family or a professional, we can feel less alone in the process.  Getting help from a professional can help us to process our feelings of grief, work towards an acceptance of a different life and also help us to learn healthier ways of coping, whilst building a psychological resilience to loss.

It is also important to mention here that not only will the grieving process be different for every person because it is a unique experience, but that also there will be differences in the expectations and practices in other cultures and religions.  The way individuals express and experience their emotions and feelings of loss will depend on their cultural traditions, religion, values and beliefs and rituals.  In some cultures, grief is dignified and quiet whereas in other cultures, an open display of raw emotion is welcomed and often expected.  Understanding the cultural context in which someone is grieving is integral to helping and supporting them through their process.

How can we work through grief?

Finding a way that helps you to personally progress through your grief is ultimately the key to your own journey.  I have put together some ways that you may find useful if you find yourself grieving a loss in your life.

Accepting the elements of grief

Aside from the effect of grief listed previously, the overarching elements of grief are loss, longing and feeling lost as researched by Brenè Brown (2021). 

·         The loss is what is missing in your life, whether it is something tangible such as a person, or a pet or whether it is something that is not as easy to describe such as a loss of a dream or goal, or a loss of your identity.

·         Longing is not something that we are necessarily conscious of.  It is a need to feel connected with that which we have lost, a need to understand and make sense of the loss and an instinctive need to feel whole again because we have a void to fill.

·         Feeling lost refers to a feeling that is experienced when there is a need to reorientate ourselves in the world.  To find a new position, to reassess our place and to find an alternative perspective with a new meaning.

Honouring your grief

Finding a place within ourselves that grief can reside without fear, judgement or shame is an important part of integrating our grief to become part of us, rather than experiencing it as something that we want to stop and rid ourselves of because of the pain it causes.  By embracing it’s presence and accepting that it is a natural response experienced by all humans can help to minimise feelings of shame.  By allowing grief to be the enemy, it generates an internal conflict between the natural instinctive process and the conscious desire to not experience it.  Nurturing your grief, taking care of it and allowing it to show itself, encourages development through your journey.

Allow your grief to be witnessed

Allowing your grief to be witnessed by others who will listen, is part of the honouring process.  Ensuring that you share with people who will listen without judgement and who will not try to reframe it or distract you from it, is a key part of feeling heard.  Often we feel fearful of talking to others about how we feel because often people don’t know what to say or we don’t think they will understand.  However, if we all felt like that and never spoke to anyone, then how does grief ever become normalised?

Find comfort in relationships

Grieving can be a lonely process if we choose to do it alone.

Relationships are the best place to heal. 

We are hard wired for connection and as human beings we need social interaction, relationships – they give a sense of belonging, purpose and meaning.  Spend time with those you love, seek out fun with your best friends, laugh and be childlike – there’s healing to be had in these acts.

What does the loss mean to you?

Asking yourself this question and looking deeper into what is missing in your life can help you to focus on what you need moving forward in order to feel fulfilled. 

·         If you have lost a loved one for example, what did you get from that person?  Was it a sense of safety?  Unconditional love?  A sense of belonging?  When working out what need was being met by that person, we can then focus on how to get that need met, in time, elsewhere.  This isn’t a means of replacing the person we have lost or by any means moving on from our grief quicker than we feel ready.  It is about acknowledging the need within us as a human being and understanding what the void is. 

·         If you have received a medical diagnosis that means your physical abilities are limited, what does this mean for you?  Has your independence been affected?  Has it changed your perspective of the world?  Are you now having to find a new way of living?  If this is the case, what can you do in order to still feel independent?  How can you adapt the way you live in the world in order to still feel fulfilled?  What are your needs now, have they changed?  How can you get those needs met?

Finding comfort in shared experiences

Many people find comfort when talking to others who have shared a similar experience, or who have been witness to a similar event.  Group therapy and support groups can be really beneficial to those who want to have their grief witnessed, accepted and understood.  Finding a connection with people who can really empathise helps to normalise your feelings, encourages you to integrate them and honour them rather than fight them and also helps to reinforce that healing takes place in relationships. 

I hope that you have found this article informative and helpful.  It is by no means exhaustive or necessarily indicative of everyone’s grief process but I hope that at the very least, it has helped to give you some insight into what is a natural human process that is not to be hidden, shamed or ignored.

Take care of yourself,

Hayley McAuley

Psychotherapist

Curious Counselling & Psychotherapy

References

Neimeyer, R.A. (2019) “Meaning reconstruction in bereavement: Development of a research program,” Death Studies 43, no. 2: 79-91 as cited in Brown, B. (2021) “Atlas of the heart: mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience,” Vermillion, London.

Brown, B. (2021) “Atlas of the heart: mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience,” Vermillion, London.